As I was listening to my favorite radio show Dr. Laura today, I am reminded again for not being a stay home mom as she always recommends.  Dr. Laura was talking about this article on how babies do best with their moms based on series research. 

 

Once upon a time, I always thought I would get married and become a stay home mom just like my mommy.  My mom quited her job and stayed home for 4 of us.  She lived a life centered with her four kids selflessly.  I can not think of anything that she had done for herself during all those years in childhood.  We never had to go shopping with her, and we never had gone to any place that she wanted to go.  She was there for us, I mean, she was there at all times just for our needs and wants.  I am not sure exactly when, things fell apart and I told myself that "i don't want to be like my mom"...

 

It has ALWAYS been a contradictory for me... a puzzle that I can't seem to put together for myself.  I don't want to live a life just for others yet I want the best for my kid(s) down the road.  I don't want to be like my mother but yet I wonder how I would be different without her being there for me at all times.  I don't want to give up my job which I love very much, yet I trade it with the times I could have been with my son.  I wish I can be a full time mom yet I am greedy to earn money to provide for others that I love very much. 

 

Life is always about give and take.  If I give up something, I will be able to gain something else.  If I am getting something, then I will have to give up something else that's valuable.  I know that I just can't have everything.  I can not have everything under my control which sometimes I wonder if I can be a control freak...

 

They say the babies do best with their moms because it makes a difference on their brain developments... and they do better later on in life in many aspects. 

 

Sometimes I also tell myself that it is better off for Scott to be away from us sometimes and play/socialize with other kids at the child care center.  Sometimes I have serious guilt over not being able to stay home with him, and someitmes I am relieved that I don't have to watch him for the whole entire day and feel exhausted.

 

I question myself if I am a good mother a lot of times yet I have no answer for that. 

 

It is nice to have a break from work to think about what I can do to be a better mom... i get to have some time alone to think and reflect.  

 

Life goes on and there is always hope for life to get better! 

 

Got to remind myself to never give up and be optimistic about everything.